I am having problem with adapting. I am not sure if I really am adapting, or I'm faking it or I simply changing. But I am tired trying to fit in when I am not right piece of puzzle.
I am having fun in the circle than I see myself as someone different than the rest by belittling the others and I am the awesome of all. It feels good to feel good about yourself. Of course I didn't really mean it when I label people stupid or ugly and I feel like I am better than the rest of everyone. That is a bitch move and I couldn't feel more proud to be one.
or am I?
I am at the point where I am tired of being a bitch because that is not what I am. You know why? Because it exhaust me that it took a lot of energy to be one and I am literally drained right now.
It's fun hanging out with my super gross rich awesome cool friends, because I have that side of me that is stupid gross rich awesome cool kid. I just found that side of me recently and I feel so good to be in the upper east side again.
At the end of the day, I am just Daniel Humphrey of Brooklyn. Being provocative is fun and challenging, and I do have fun with that side of me. But my old-fashion conservative side that is the bigger part of me define who I really am. I miss the innocent naive boy that I used to be.
I respect everyone for their fatwas. I have my own fatwas and believes and I don't wanna loose that just because I'm exploring other people's way of life.
I guess God let me meet these people for a reason. These people are smart and its good to surround yourself with the right influence. I just need to be smart in which way it influence me.
I always claim myself that positivity is the key to self appreciation and acceptance. I felt the bliss of it I want people to feel that too. But somehow, I learn that not everyone appreciate my way of celebrating positivity (and fuck, I can be super sensitive when people disrespecting my fatwas, which is not a good value and I'm less proud of myself a bit for that matter) and as for now I would just keep the recipe to myself. Different people have different way of dealing with stress and some of them can heal by their own. So, the priority goes to your own feeling.
Now, I am getting back to my root. I wanna be that small town boy who is happy with his life and accept everything as they way it is. I wanna be that boy who have confident in God's plan and just stop trying too hard and dreaming too big. The less is more and I applaud to that.